More than anything, I want to believe.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe in God and in the promise of eternal life through His Son, Jesus Christ. But five years into my Christian walk, I’m still plagued with doubt born of a million nagging questions.
That’s why I started this blog. I know that daily, prayerful, reflective Bible study is key to a fruitful relationship with God. In these pages I’ll discuss what God teaches me about His word, sharing insights and questions as they arise.
And do I ever have questions. I think a lot—arguably, too much—and tend to dive into spiritual waters "head first," too. I'm also a perfectionist driven to understand things in minute detail. Surely a measure of inquisitiveness is healthy, since God doesn’t call us to blind faith. But this heady approach to a realm the mind can't begin to fathom may explain why I believe in Christ as kind of a dry, factual matter—in normal, 12-point font—more than I believe with my heart—in big, bold italics.
More than anything, I want to believe in God and love Him with all my heart, mind and soul.
I want to be utterly transformed, like Max, our church’s associate Pastor, who says he approaches the Bible each morning with giddy joy “like a kid in a candy shop.”
I want to long for God like Pastor Scott, who recently turned to me during a church service and said, out of the blue, “sometimes I just can’t wait to be with the Lord.”
I really want to feel what that means.
Granted, I do sense God working a slow, steady transformation in me. Often, I hear His Spirit’s voice, gently urging: “peace…love… compassion…tolerance…forgiveness…generosity.” I’m all-too-aware how deeply flawed people are, especially myself. I’m also becoming more disciplined in reading God’s word. And surely even the “yearning to yearn” is an encouraging sign. Still, the process is so painfully slow.
Perhaps my mind is my soul's worst enemy. I even wonder if this blogging project, given my perfectionist streak, might impede my spiritual growth. A quote I found tonight—or more likely, found me—sums up one especially awful possibility:
“There is a way of reading the Bible that seems to leave God far away, off in the shadows somewhere. It is all information and technicalities and knowledge, but it feels like you're sitting with your back towards God. You come up against a difficulty or question, and you go to books, you ask pastors, friends, strangers on the Internet, anyone but Him. Gradually God gets smaller and dimmer.”
–Unknown
A Bible blog might also shift the source of my motivation for reading God’s word. Rather than being driven by a desire “To Serve Him” by knowing His word and sharing it with others, I might begin to take greater joy in the adoration of millions of devoted readers (I’m kidding; I know it’ll more likely be billions), the ego trip of seeing my words in print or the cash windfall from blog-related advertising.
Although my tone here is tongue-in-cheek, these were once real temptations. For example, I’ve always dreamed of building a self-sustaining career as a writer—so why not sell some space on the site, make a few extra bucks “blogging for God?” And everyone likes an ego boost now and again—so what’s wrong with installing a counter on the site to gauge my “Google juice?”
What’s wrong, obviously, is that these contribute nothing to the larger mission, which is to serve God by knowing Him. Such distractions would more likely cheapen, even jeopardize, the relationship which matters most. “Gradually God gets smaller and dimmer.”
I don't ever want this to happen. I pray for the wisdom and humility to use my efforts, here as always, solely for the glory of God and of His Son, Jesus Christ.
*(Title quote by Jacquelyn K. Heasley)
